I don't know if I'll make it..

but watch how good I'll fake it;]
I made some summer lists.

want to do:
1.california with my best friends.
2. grand canyon
3. mexico

have to do:
1. pay for school.
2. figure out what happens after may 2012.
3. make some money.
4. save some of that money.

"it's alright tonight.."

long days.

ten pm dinner of macaroni and cheese and a glass of sweet white wine.

mmm summer nights:]

home.

it's nice and warm here.

the sun is always out.

and I have got (almost all of) my best friends.

"I know I'm gonna get there someday..."

because this semester has tested me in more ways than I could have imagined
I have learned a few things about myself.

1. I am not as naturally happy as I thought I was. and sometimes it is hard to pretend that I am.



2. I really do think the cold/non-sunny weather of chicago is depressing.



3. I am not a social person but I hate being alone.



4. I don't tell people personal things about myself if I can help it. and whenever I do (usually on accident) I regret it right away.



5. I love concordia but I need to get away from it every now and then.



6. country music is like my comfort food.



7. I really am bothered when people do not like me. (especially if that person is my boss)



8. I feel guilty for not being happy.



9. I subconsciously put myself in positions to be disappointed constantly.



10. I am counting on Arizona to pull me out of this one.

running away.

today for the first time (maybe ever) I enjoyed running.

sometimes I think that running away is the right answer.

so today instead of going to work I did just that.

I ran away. away from concordia, away from my broken heart and away from my stress.

and I did not stop. I don't know how or why but today when I ran I was able to just feel nothing.

so I just kept going. I ran past a father and son playing catch, past dozens of million dollar homes, other runners, dog walkers, children playing, yard work being done, a softball game, through mud, dirt, grass and one puddle and then I ran to a dead end so I turned around and ran the other way. My journey took me all around this neighborhood were I spend so much of my time, even to, through and around the rival catholic university.

This might have been the longest distance and amount of time I have ran in my entire life and today it is just what made sense to me.

And when I could finally feel the tiredness wearing into my legs, I walked and eventually came to a bench

where I watched the world pass me by.

And when I saw what I did not want to see, and felt what I did not want to feel, I ran away and let the feeling of nothing take over once again.

my body and my shoes did take the beating however. my shoes are now muddy and my body is displaying the first signs of total soreness.

but the best part? spending two hours running away and I received a small sunburn.

but maybe in the end I ran right back to what I was running away from...

away.

"all that I know is I don't know how to be something you miss. I never thought we'd have a last kiss. never imagined we'd end like this. your name forever the name on my lips..."

"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.
Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves."
Romans 12: 9-10